The Most Fattening County in England

...and the prize goes to...drum roll...Derbyshire! We are back from a week there and I have to report that there was little time for exploring the hills and dales, just brief moments between vast meals and Bakewell tarts. The walkers staying in our hotel lumbered off each morning weighed down with sandwiches and goodies so it is little wonder when I asked in the evening how many miles they had walked the answer was five miles. I do more than that in a top-up shop in Waitrose.
I am a believer in the existence, despite multiculturalism, of national character and, indeed, differences in the people from county to county, town to town. This led me to do a little research on the people of Derbyshire. It is a county that looks to the townie's eye much like the equally beautiful and farming county of Gloucestershire. But it is Gloucestershire's less glamorous and more sensible, more hard-working cousin. Less Elizabeth Hurley, more Tracy Shaw, the ex-Coronation Street star. Certainly everyone was charming and helpful so that Mr Brain returned revitalized and energetic. As well he might. During various excursions he had used a wheelchair. Now it might reasonably be assumed that a still vibrant and once over-active gentleman like Mr B would take ungraciously to the wheelchair finding it humbling, even humiliating. On the contrary, the words 'triumphant' and 'autocratic' come to mind. Think an upper-class Andy from Little Britain. Except not wearing a tatty vest but collar, tie, three piece suit, overcoat with velvet collar and all the accessories necessary to be an architect on holiday (he is far too old to retire)...measuring tape, huge notepad, drawing pens, water colours, camera, drawing board, tripod...in short everything to ensure you weigh 20 stone of sheer dead weight. At Chatsworth I am given a piece of paper saying I am an 'essential carer'. I am reminded of that old joke when someone is asked if she had ever considered divorce. 'Divorce! Never. But murder often.'
 Mindful of the old adage that one lives and learns, which is rubbish of course, I ask to see the Lucien Freud paintings. They are smaller than I had expected as indeed was Freud when I met him. I am asked what I think and say,'They say more about the artist than the subject' which seems to satisfy. We go on to Hardwick Hall, a great Tudor pile built for Bess of Hardwick. It benefits, and suffers, from being a National Trust property. Bess was the Tudor equivalent of a Wag but don't let the National Trust hear me say that. They like to sanitize and suburbanize History. Were she alive now Bess would be trawling the nightclubs in search of a premier league footballer and dreaming of an oversize Fendi handbag. Her home will have been the epitome of bling and excess. Now, since the National Trust cannot risk daylight falling on an interior or on history, elderly visitors pad around in their trainers in the near darkness, whispering deferentially. If you listen carefully you might just hear Bess screaming, 'Gazooks! I didn't pay all that money for no-one to be able to see my wall-hangings. The sooner they invent Heat magazine the better.'
So, back to the sons and daughters of Derbyshire. There's young Tracy Shaw,...Lara Croft, designed at Core Design in Derby...Tim Brooke-Taylor, Buxton born, honorary vice-president of Derby County FC...coal man's son and reality star Paul Burrell...Vera Brittain...Alison Uttley who brought us Little Grey Rabbit and Sam Pig...Vivienne Westwood who customised her school uniform at Glossop Grammar School....Barnes Wallis and his Bouncing Bomb...Florence Nightingale...Ted Moult...Ellen MacArthur...John Hurt...Constance Spry...the list is endless. And there is my own personal favourite who, perhaps more than most, sums up the true nature of the county....William Bradbury Robinson 1826-1910. William was a great mechanic who designed over 100 different wooden pillboxes and went on, inspired by the Crimean War, to set new standards in the production of bandaging and surgical dressings. In 1885 William Robinson took out a patent on the world's first modern sanitary towel. He, more than anyone – and I include Harry Stevens from Derby who invented the hot dog – sums up the true practical no-nonsense spirit of Derbyshire for me.
But for now I'm back to the gym for something less energetic and backbreaking than wheelchair pushing. I am looking at some 'before' and 'after' photos of me taken by my personal trainer, Zoe Dixon, which she uses on her promotional material. In truth I'm rather drawn to the before person....