Agony Column

Dear Lesley

I just can't seem to stop reading Heat magazine. I am so ashamed.

CK, Nr Dursley

Dear CK

If anyone is rude enough to comment say it is your housekeeper's. It works for me.

Dear Lesley

I am keeping a diary. Each day I write a few lines. Is it possible to write a diary that will interest other people when my life is very dull?

Beryl, Chipping Sodbury

Dear Beryl

Writing a diary is an egotistical act. Everyone has done it. Some have been fortunate in that something exciting has happened to give them some material. Pepys had the fire of London, Goebbels had Hitler, Scott had Antarctic and Alan Clark had....Alan Clark. My own personal favourite is Alec Guinness. Diarists often include accounts of how they dined here and lunched there and engaged in jolly badinage with the great and the good. You, however, dear Beryl, are too dull to be imposed on even a Z-lister. My advice is to go to your local zoo and stick your leg through the bars of the lion's cage. This will give you something to write about.

Dear Lesley

What is the correct way to eat a banana? I am keen to do the right thing when I visit my prestigious relatives.

Nervous guest

Dear NG

A banana is a vulgar fruit that is only suited to an informal picnic or child's packed lunch. No sane hostess would offer it to a guest. However nothing is safe in these uncivilized days so be prepared to ask for a knife and fork...

Dear Lesley

My sister, who complains about not having enough money, is spending like there is no tomorrow. She is having her sizeable house 'remodelled'. It swarms with gorgeous builders and tempting tradesmen. There is even talk of a bright red kitchen and lacquer doors and black fitted appliances. When I remonstrate with her she replies with a laughing toss of her curls and a list of new acquisitions. While she is happy and revitalised I feel it is my duty as her elder to point out the folly of her ways. How best can I put her right?

Green eyes, Gloucestershire

Dear GE

You are jealous. Get a life of your own.

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